“They Just Don’t Know How!” — What to Do When It’s a Know How Problem
- Brigid McCormick
- Jun 3
- 2 min read
Updated: 1 day ago
So you’ve got your framework in hand—Know How, Can Do, Want To—and you’re starting to spot it in real time. You’ve figured out that sometimes, the reason your child (or spouse… or coworker… or, let’s be honest, you) isn’t doing something is because they don’t actually know how to do it.
Great insight! But what happens when you realize your child isn’t doing something because they just don’t know how?
Give Them the Space to Try
As parents, it’s so natural to want to help—especially when our kids are struggling. We’re busy, they’re frustrated, and sometimes it just feels easier (and faster) to step in and do it for them. This is especially common with younger kids or neurodivergent children. But when we take over too quickly, we accidentally take away their chance to learn.
And here’s the kicker: if we consistently do the hard parts for them, they may stop trying altogether. That turns a skill deficit into a motivation issue—a “want to” problem.
Instead, give them the opportunity to try before offering help. Unless there’s a safety issue, let them take the lead.
Use Light Support, Not Full Rescue
Let’s say your child brings you their cup and waits for you to fill it with water. You’ve always just done it automatically. This time, instead of taking over, walk them to the fridge and say, “You can push the button.” If they hesitate, offer a simple, “Go ahead,” and wait. Giving them that moment to try builds independence and confidence.
Or maybe your child always asks you to zip up their jacket before heading out the door. Instead of jumping in, say, “You try first.” Watch them work through it—maybe they can get it started but need help at the end. Step in only if needed, and keep your support as minimal as possible. Small wins like these add up to big skill-building moments.
Teach What’s Missing
If your child tries and still can’t do it? That’s your teaching moment. This isn’t about pushing independence before they’re ready—it’s about making space for growth. Teach the steps. Celebrate effort. Practice, then practice again.
Small Wins, Big Skills.
When your child hesitates, pause—let them try, offer light support, and celebrate effort. Want more strategies like this? Build your child’s independence—one step at a time.
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