Feelings and Behavior Matter, and They Do Not Decide What Happens Next

4 days ago
3 min read

An adult kneels and points, explaining something to a seated child. The line drawing has a calm, instructional feel, with no background.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is holding two truths at the same time.

Your child's feelings are important. And your child's feelings do not get to decide their behavior.

This is an AND, not an either-or.

For many parents, this is a new idea. We worry that if we do not give feelings full control, we are dismissing them. But in reality, teaching this distinction is one of the most important skills we can give our children.

Understanding the Difference Between Feelings and Behavior

Emotions and behavior are not the same thing.

Feelings are something we experience. Behavior is something we do.

Feelings rise, crest, and fall, much like waves. They can be big or small, short or long. We cannot stop them from coming, and we do not need to. We experience them.

Behavior is different. Behavior is how we respond while those feelings are happening.

A child can feel sad and still get in the car. They can feel mad and still get dressed. They can feel disappointed and still follow through.

When we teach children that emotions automatically drive behavior, we send an unintended message. We teach them that they are not in control when feelings are big. That emotions are something to fear or avoid. That once a feeling shows up, everything else stops.

That is not empowering.

What We Want Children to Learn About Feelings and Behavior

What we want children to learn is this. Feelings give us information. They do not take over the steering wheel.

In kid terms, you might say, "It's okay to feel upset. Your feelings are real. And your body still knows how to do hard things."

This message does not dismiss emotions. It honors them while also reminding children that they are capable.

Children who understand this grow up knowing they can trust themselves, even when things feel hard. They learn that big feelings do not mean they are out of control. They learn that they have choices, even in difficult moments.

How Validation and Boundaries Work Together

This is where validation and boundaries work together.

A man kneels, holding up his hands to a seated child in a calm, instructional manner. Simple line drawing, no background details.

You can say, "I know you're really mad that the show is over. That makes sense. It's still time to get in the car." You are not ignoring the feeling. You are also not letting it make the decision.

Validation says, "I see you." Boundaries say, "This is what happens next."

Both matter. Both help children feel safe and capable.

When we only validate without holding boundaries, children may feel heard but also confused about what is expected. When we only enforce boundaries without validating, children may comply but feel unseen.

The balance between the two is where real growth happens.

Building Emotional Strength Over Time

Over time, children learn something powerful. They learn that they can feel big things and still be capable. They learn that emotions come and go, and they do not have to be afraid of them. They learn that they are allowed to feel, and they are also able to choose how they act.

This is how we help children build self-control, confidence, and emotional strength.

It will not be perfect. Some waves will be bigger than others. That is part of learning.

What matters is that we consistently send the same message. Your feelings matter. And you are more than what you feel.

What This Looks Like in Real Moments

A woman kneels, gently comforting a girl with crossed arms. Minimalist line art, white background, conveying a supportive mood.

You might wonder what this actually sounds like in the middle of a meltdown or refusal.

Here are a few examples:

"I know you wanted more time at the park. That's hard. We're still leaving now."
"You're allowed to be mad. You still need to use kind words."
"I see how upset you are. Your body is safe, and we're going to get through this together."

These responses acknowledge the emotion and hold the expectation. They do not require the child to stop feeling in order to move forward.

Why This Balance Helps Children Grow

That balance helps children grow into people who can experience emotions fully and still make safe, thoughtful choices.

They learn that feelings are not something to fear or suppress. They also learn that feelings do not control their actions.

That distinction becomes the foundation for resilience, self-regulation, and healthy relationships as they grow.

Free Resource: Feelings and Actions Activity

Help your child practice this essential skill. It includes a sorting game, a weekly feelings check-in chart, practice scenarios, and a family reminder you can post at home.