Emotional Support in Positive Parenting: What Your ABA Child Really Needs

Brigid McCormick
Nov 12
5 min read

Line drawing of a family: parents swinging a child, with text "Presence Over Perfection: Just being there is enough" on a white background.

The Day I Stopped Trying to Fix Everything

I remember the exact moment I realized I was doing emotional support all wrong.

My child was having a complete meltdown over something that seemed small to me - a slight change in the afternoon routine. I was doing all the "right" things: offering solutions, suggesting coping strategies, reminding them of their tools. And it was making everything worse.

My child didn't need me to fix it. They needed me to just be there while they felt it.

That shift - from fixing to supporting - changed everything about how I parent. And it's at the core of what emotional support in positive parenting actually means.

What Emotional Support Isn't

Let's clear up some misconceptions first, because emotional support gets confused with a lot of other things.

Emotional support is not constant praise and positivity. You don't need to tell your child "good job" every five minutes or manufacture enthusiasm about everything they do. Kids can tell when you're being fake.

It's not protecting your child from ever feeling uncomfortable. Difficult emotions aren't dangerous. Your child needs to experience them to learn how to navigate them. Shielding them from discomfort doesn't build resilience - it prevents it.

It's not fixing every problem or rescuing them from every consequence. When you jump in to solve everything, you're sending the message that you don't think they can handle hard things.

And it's not permissive parenting where anything goes. Boundaries and emotional support aren't opposites - they work together.

So what is emotional support in positive parenting? It's being present with your child through their emotional experience, helping them feel safe enough to process what they're feeling, and teaching them that they can handle hard things because you're there with them.

Why Neurodivergent Kids Need This Differently

Your child is already working incredibly hard. They're in therapy sessions, learning skills, managing sensory challenges, and navigating a world that doesn't always understand them.

On top of that, many neurodivergent kids have experienced a lot of correction in their lives. Well-meaning adults are constantly redirecting them, teaching them, trying to shape their behavior. Even when it's done with love, that's a lot of feedback about what they're doing wrong.

Line drawing of a child with curly hair hugging themselves, standing at a table. The background is plain white, evoking a simple and warm mood.

Emotional support becomes their refuge. It's the place where nothing about them needs to be fixed or changed. Where their feelings make sense, even if their behavior needs guidance. Where they're accepted exactly as they are in that moment.

This doesn't mean ignoring challenging behaviors or abandoning structure. It means recognizing that underneath the behavior is a child with real emotions who needs to know those emotions are valid - even when the behavior isn't acceptable.

The Difference Between Rescuing and Supporting

Here's where it gets tricky. How do you support your child emotionally without rescuing them from every uncomfortable feeling?

Rescuing looks like: immediately trying to stop the emotion, fixing the problem before they can try, removing all obstacles, or making it so they never have to feel disappointed or frustrated.

Supporting looks like: acknowledging the emotion, staying calm while they work through it, offering help without taking over, and believing they can handle hard things with your presence.

Let me give you an example. Your child is frustrated because they can't get a puzzle piece to fit.

Rescuing: "Here, let me do it for you. See, it goes like this."

Supporting: "You're working really hard on that. It's frustrating when pieces don't go where you think they should. Do you want to keep trying, or would you like me to help you?"

See the difference? In the first response, you've taken away their opportunity to struggle and problem-solve. In the second, you've validated the emotion, expressed confidence in their ability, and offered support without removing the challenge.

Your Presence Is the Tool

The most important thing you bring to emotional support isn't a strategy or technique. It's your calm, steady presence.

Line drawing of a faceless adult sitting cross-legged, holding a child who is leaning on their lap. Minimalist style on a white background.

When your child is dysregulated and overwhelmed, they don't need you to have all the answers. They need you to be the grounded one. The one who isn't scared of their big feelings. The one who can hold space for the emotion without trying to shut it down.

When you can stay regulated while they're dysregulated, you become their external regulator. Your calm nervous system helps soothe theirs. Your presence communicates "this is hard, but we're okay. You're safe. I'm not going anywhere."

That co-regulation is emotional support in action. And it's something your child might not be getting anywhere else - because most of their time with adults involves teaching, redirecting, or managing behavior.

You get to be different. You get to be the one who just shows up for the feeling.

What Emotional Support in Positive Parenting Actually Looks Like Day to Day

What does emotional support in positive parenting actually look like when your child refuses to get in the car for therapy, or has a meltdown because their sibling touched their toy, or shuts down after a hard day?

It looks like getting down on their level and saying "I see you're really upset right now" instead of "you need to calm down."

It looks like taking a breath yourself before responding, so you're not reacting from your own dysregulation.

It looks like you are naming what you observe: "your body looks tense and your voice is loud - something feels really big right now."

It looks like offering connection before correction: a hand on their shoulder, sitting nearby, asking "do you want a hug or space?"

It looks like validating the emotion even when you can't change the situation: "I know you don't want to leave the park. It's so hard to stop doing something fun. And we still need to go."

And sometimes, it looks like saying nothing at all - just being physically present while they work through what they're feeling.

When Your Child Doesn't Want Your Support

Here's something nobody warns you about: sometimes your child will push you away when you try to offer emotional support.

They might say "leave me alone" or physically move away from you. They might get more escalated when you try to help.

This doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It might mean they need space to regulate on their own first. It might mean they're not ready to be vulnerable yet.

Respect that boundary. You can say something like "okay, I'm going to give you space. I'm right here when you're ready" and then actually give them space while staying nearby.

The emotional support is in respecting their need for distance while making it clear you're still available. That's teaching them they have autonomy over their emotional process.

Building the Muscle

Emotional support in positive parenting is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. You're going to have moments where you react instead of respond. Where you try to fix when you should have just listened. Where your own emotions take over.

That's all part of the process. The goal isn't perfection - it's building the muscle of staying present with your child's emotions instead of trying to manage them away.

Start small. Pick one interaction today where you focus on presence over fixing. Notice what happens. Notice how it feels for you. Notice how your child responds.

Over time, this becomes more natural. You start to recognize emotional moments as opportunities for connection instead of problems to solve. Your child starts to trust that you can handle their big feelings. And something shifts in your relationship.