“Can Do” Problems: What If It’s Not Defiance, but a Real Barrier?

We’ve all been there: your child isn’t doing the thing. You’ve reminded them (three times), you’ve offered incentives, maybe even consequences—and still, nothing. Before jumping to “they won’t,” it’s worth asking: Can they?

“Can Do” problems are barriers that make it physically or practically impossible to complete a task—even if your child wants to and knows how. These are often the most overlooked causes of inaction, but once you know what to look for, they’re often the simplest to support.

1. Physical Limitations (Big or Small)

Not every task is as simple as it seems to us as adults. For kids, especially younger ones or those with developmental differences, even brushing teeth or putting on shoes can be surprisingly complex.

Maybe your child can’t get their jacket zipped because their fingers aren’t strong enough yet. Maybe their legs are sore from soccer practice and climbing the stairs feels like a mountain. Or they can’t read the homework instructions because they left their glasses at Grandma’s.

These physical barriers aren’t misbehavior—they’re signals that your child needs help, practice, or just time.

2. Missing Tools (It’s Hard to Start Without What You Need)

You ask your child to set the table, and they just… wander away. You're frustrated, they’re

frustrated. But did they know where the forks were? Could they reach the cabinet? Was the dishwasher still full, leaving them unsure where to find anything?

Sometimes it really is as simple as: they didn’t have what they needed. One parent told us their child was labeled “resistant” in class because they never filled out a behavior chart—until the teacher realized the clipboard was being kept on a high shelf.

Before assuming it’s a “won’t,” make sure it’s not a “can’t find” or “can’t reach.”

3. Internal Needs (Because Kids Get Burned Out Too)

We often forget that kids have off days too. When they’re overtired, hungry, overstimulated, or even just emotionally overwhelmed from school, something as small as putting toys away can feel like climbing Everest.

Think of how you feel after a long day when someone asks, “What’s for dinner?” Now imagine someone half your size with half the life experience trying to regulate those same feelings. Sometimes they’re not being difficult—they’re just depleted.

So What Can You Do?

First, pause. Assume your child wants to do well.

Then:

• Scan the situation: Are they missing something they need? Are they too tired or too hungry to focus?

• If it’s physical, let them try first. Then offer help—but keep it minimal. For example, if they’re struggling to open a lunch container, guide their hands instead of doing it for them.

• If they’re overwhelmed, offer a break and come back to it later. Timing makes all the difference.

Supporting “can do” problems isn’t about lowering expectations—it’s about setting kids up for success. The goal is always independence, but we get there one tiny step at a time.

Your child might not say, “I can’t do this because I’m tired and can’t find my shoes and also my hands don’t work that well yet.” That’s our job to figure out. And once we do, we can help turn that can’t into a confident, capable can.

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