“I Don’t Waaannnt Tooo!”
- Brigid McCormick
- Jun 17
- 3 min read
Understanding the Real Reason Your Child Isn’t Doing the Thing
Welcome to the third and final post in our “Why Doesn’t My Child…” series! If you missed the first two, we explored:
“Know How” problems – when kids don’t know how to do the task.
“Can Do” problems – when they can’t do it because of a physical or resource-related barrier.
And now: the one that gets under every parent’s skin— The “Want To” problem.
When Motivation Is the Missing Piece
Your child can clean their room. They’ve done it before. They even know you’re about to have guests over. And yet… they’re lying upside-down on the couch making dinosaur noises instead of putting away a single sock.
Sound familiar?
The “want to” issue shows up when a child has the skills, has the tools, and still chooses not to engage. Maybe they stall, whine, argue, or outright refuse. It’s incredibly frustrating—and incredibly normal.
Before we throw around words like “lazy” or “stubborn,” let’s pause and reflect: Have you ever known how to do something, had the ability to do it, and just… didn’t?
Of course you have! Maybe it was folding laundry. Scheduling a dentist appointment. Starting that one home project that’s been on your list for six months.
We all do it. Because motivation is a cost-benefit equation.
The Cost-Benefit Equation
Here’s how it works: every time we’re asked to do something, our brains (consciously or not) weigh the effort it’ll take against the reward we’ll get.
We’ll clean the entire house before the in-laws arrive—because the cost (exhaustion) is worth avoiding the judgment we might feel if Aunt Karen spots dust on the baseboards.
We’ll definitely pay $5 for a steak—but probably not for a Snickers bar…Unless we’re stuck at the airport, everything’s closed, and we’re starving.
See? Context matters.
Kids are no different. They’re constantly evaluating:
How hard is this?
What do I get out of it?
Can I trust that the reward will actually come?
“I Just Don’t Want To!”
When your child resists doing something, it might be because:
The task feels boring, unimportant, or too hard.
They’re tired, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained.
They don’t trust that you’ll hold up your end of the deal (“You said I could play after this, but now you want me to clean something else too?”).
And sometimes? They just don’t feel like it. That doesn’t make them bad or lazy—it makes them human.
So How Do We Help?
Here’s the good news: you can support your child’s motivation—without bribing them or getting into daily power struggles.
Match effort with reward.
It doesn’t have to be ice cream or screen time (though it can be when a task is new or extra hard). Sometimes the reward is being done. Or being noticed. Or earning freedom to do something fun.
Stick to your promises.
If you say they can play after cleaning up, don’t add more chores once they finish. (Even if they are already upstairs where the laundry is.)
Make the reward feel worth it.
Cleaning up Legos might feel too annoying to be worth a quick “thanks.” But what if the payoff is getting to build the next level of their creation? Suddenly the cost is justified.
Use natural incentives.
Autonomy: “Once you do this, you get to choose what’s next.”
Connection: “Let’s race and do it together!”
Relief: “Then it’s done and off your mind!”
Build trust, consistency, and confidence.
When kids feel seen, supported, and capable, motivation grows.
Real Talk for Parents
“Want to” problems are tough because we don’t want to negotiate every task. We just want our kids to do the thing.
And yes—sometimes they have to. Life isn’t all fun and freedom, and that’s a reality kids need to learn, too.
But understanding that motivation is built (not automatic) helps us shift the conversation from “Why won’t they just do it?!” to “How can I support them in doing it—even when it’s hard?”
The same way you eventually get up and clean when guests are coming, your child can learn to take action—even when they’re not thrilled about it.
It takes practice. It takes support. And you’re not alone in figuring it out.
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